Apathy

Sometimes, I get so flanked with emotions that I no longer know how to handle them. The default option that my brain reverts to would be a system shut down. A complete apathetic sweep over the entire brain system. I can feel my body going rigid. My brain numbing out. And my lungs gasp for breath. My facial expression either hardens or breaks into a very welcoming smile. And then I step out of the conversation. Mind wanders wherever it can… anywhere but on the present situation. It could be a defense mechanism of some sort. One of which I still have to further research on. If I was a character on a movie, you’d say am currently switching personalities.

My friends would usually comment that I am unempathic. Perhaps. But not by choice. There’s this internal switch that turns on and off at the “right” trigger word. I’ve been unaware of this until of late. It’s been an unconscious shift on my part. It’s a high price to pay if you’re misunderstood. Especially when you start hurting people… more so if it’s the one you love that you’re already hurting. The pain magnifies.

I don’t expect anybody to understand though. It’s something that can’t be readily explained. No reasons, no examples. It just happens. It’s there. And it feels like shit.

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