Reflecting on the life I wasted, realization struck me like a mallet to the head.
24 years and counting. I probably took half >or even more< of that 24 years for granted. Life has been pretty good to me. Gave me everything I wanted. Even those that I didn’t really need. Looking back, I’d say that I was blessed. Whoever’s up there, treated me well. When I was a kid, I thought everything lasted forever. Thought that all those who surrounded, protected and raised me, would be there for always. Turned out I was wrong after all. This is the first time I’m celebrating my birthday without my mama and my dad. You see, mama passed away December of last year, and dad followed suit, June of this year. All my life, I’ve been used to their presence. They’ve always been around. Throughout all the major holidays, all the “special” occasions.
I guess, their absence this time woke me up to a reality I denied years ago. It’s like being dismembered. Losing an important piece of you, and being incapacitated because of such loss. I was never dependent on them, but somehow, the physical presence that’s no longer there, created a void somewhere.
The lure of death had an impact on me. I’ve been fascinated with it ever since I could remember. Brought me to the point of being necrophiliac. A person in love with death. But the situation wherein you’re a part of the living race, and you witness all that death around you, has somehow distorted my perception. The fact that the death you experience is one of a person close to you and not your own, has somehow, messed things a little more. I am no longer the person that I used to be. Although death still has its impact, the calling is not as strong as before. Perhaps reaching the 24th year of my existence has something to do with it.
Being the person left behind hurts more. It’s an on-going mental, emotional and spiritual torture. The questions pile up. And answers are nowhere to be found. Even if the spirit still roams on this physical realm, even if their “presence” is still felt or seen… It’s not the same. Life is life. and Death is death. What is important to us humans, is the fact that everything is as tangible as they should be >or as they were<
Defense mechanisms don’t work for me. There is no reason for all that has transpired… or maybe there is, but it’s not a reason which I find welcoming. There’s still a lot to do, things to accomplish, places to go and people to meet. I can move on… but I don’t think that I will entirely do so. For even as I move forward, my soul is left on that time and place where forever existed.