Might as well end this insanity. Putting a name to he who has haunted the corridors of my mind. i knew i’d come across this memory. Why have i kept it? who knows? perhaps the masochist in me can answer that. This particular representation has a relatively good memory attached to it though. Who am I kidding? I’ve had good memories with the person, not enough to outweigh the bad though. Lol. It’s been far too long that i may have found it in me to forgive. Well, yes, i may have. As i can fondly look back and find… apathy? Jeeez. that’s hardly forgiving, isn’t it? So what exactly do i remember?
Snatches: the roses. everyday, one single rose. for the duration of our relationship. which was quite long, mind you. Brings me to the thought that all the others that followed were merely distractions. Until I found the one person who can “handle” me.
I knew i’d write about him directly. Not the riddles that my poems usually hide. I’ve been pretty successful keeping him at bay, and yet, he finds his way to my mind every now and then. and messes with it. not that there’s any more to mess up. it’s jumbled enough as it is. Was he, is he my prince? the one who visits, “inspires” me to write? oft times. often enough. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why i am unable to write anything more than agonized lines of poetry. That and Edgar Allan Poe’s influence. How things would’ve changed if it was Shakespeare or Browning who influenced me huh? Or Gibran, Basoalto, Tagore? Maybe. But it helps me channel. A funnel for all the hatred? Too strong a word. I am, however, thankful. Despite all that has transpired. And this is why i adore learning. Oh wait, I got distracted. I was talking about snatches.
Snatches: sometimes 3 roses. or chocolates. perhaps he contributed to my DM. now that i think about it, it could’ve happened. perfumes, he loves giving me those. loved. past tense. shouldn’t i learn? as i previously mentioned, ours was a roller coaster of various emotions. The actual relationship was a bomb waiting to be triggered. and i knew that. he fascinated me as he could’ve been a patient of mine.
More Snatches: i keep getting detoured. i couldn’t, for the life of me, find the words now. Maybe i will write about it another day? or create more quatrains. I have every reason to write about happier times now, and yet… he’s a shadow that lurks in the deepest recess of my brain. Unfortunate enough, i have pictures too. You’d think i would’ve burned all those, right? But burning signifies hatred. and i wouldn’t want to hate. and anger. no, i wouldn’t want that. it’ll eat at my soul. just like what happened to him. no. i accept his reality in my past. and his reality in contributing to what i currently am.
i keep redirecting. this is becoming a catharsis. i haven’t really shared much, but it sounds as if i’ve shared a lot.
Snatches again: all the debuts we’ve attended together. my own debut. odd. there was a point in my life where every time i spoke about stories in my past, he’d be a part of that. and now i just realize, it is because majority of it, 33% of my life had him in it. i’d think “such a waste” right? not really, if i learned from it. Maybe 33% isn’t majority after all. besides, if i add more years to my life, then the percentage will shrink. lol. that’s one way to think about it. but… adding more years? we’ll see about that.
oh yes, the snatches. Antipolo. Garden wedding. UERMMMC. UE Gastambide. UST. His honda at that time. Foam parties. every single day he’d be at my house. he’d take me home. he’d pick me up from school. my dad hating his gut. my mum feeling the same, but warming up to him. my dad never did. Guijo. Jeepney ride. Possessiveness. Obsession. Jealousy. Envy. Intermittent explosive disorder. UST guard incident. UST prof incident. I was almost sent to the Dean’s office because of his green eyed monster. having no friends since he scared all of them. he was called neanderthal by some of my friends. threats. he threatened every single one of them. Megamall. it’s always been megamall before. or galleria. Ah yes, and who could forget the blue moon? and billiards. he gets into brawls because of me. actually, it’s because of him, he’d be so protective even if i didn’t need the protection. he’s idiotic that way. ericsson. nokia 8800? banana phone. more brawls. bruises and abuses. racing. Broken phones. late night phone conversations. St. Paul fair. contract of marriage. blackmails. chatrooms. bars. drinks. 8 packs. rings. bracelets. jewelries. marlboro reds. blue seals. ipaq. driving around. really bad grammar. and spelling. love letters. written sooo bad, it made me cry. lol! some memories are making me laugh out loud. at least he tried. bets. dinner dates. more roses. rose petals. maybe this is why i hated the darned things. playful punches.
i’ll update this another time. duty calls for now.